(no subject)

So... Yesterday I got interesting news. The guy I've been dating? Is having a baby. With an ex. She's eight weeks along. He's ecstatic.

Hmmm... I don't know how to react, really. I'm thinking this relationship is a no-go.

Next in line, please...

GIP

Very apropriate to my current mood... Four lovely new Calvin & Hobbes icons made by sunnysky.

I told myself I wouldn't do this, but...

Sorry guys. I don't usually do this. I'm not one to just spill my guts out. Ever. But see, I stopped my therapy last week (can anybody see the irony of my timing? Plus with the quitting smoking too), and I really need to get some stuff off my chest. So bear with me, please. Also, if you don't dig astrology, this will probably seem stupid. But I do, and it makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm a gemini-cancer cusp. My rising sign is Libra (scales), which is an air sign and therefore prone to thinking. My moon (which governs feelings) is in Virgo (which governs organizing, analysing and thinking). I have about 5 planets in my 9th house, which is the house of, you guessed it, *thinking*. So yeah. I have a big thing with thinking. I analyse everything to death. This post is a good example of that, actually *g*. I am about as rational as they come. It gets annoying sometimes.

Problem is, my sun sign is still Cancer, although extremely close to Gemini. Gemini is an air sign, also all with the learning and thinking bit, but Cancer is all about feeling. And mood shifts. And irrationality. You can see how this whole thing gets a bit complicated. I posted a poem here a while ago, and there's a part that says "half of me is thinking, and the other half is a volcano". That's exactly how I am.

I feel. A lot. And then I proceed to analyse my feelings to death, which is stupid because feelings aren't usually rational and you can't really control them. My Libra rising gives me the ability to put myself in other people's shoes and rationalize what the other person is feeling. Which is what I'm doing right now.

See, I am feeling so fucking angry right now. The rational side keeps telling me that that's stupid, because really, there's nothing he could do about the situation (well, except for the part where they could have remembered to use BIRTH CONTROL, but there you go), and I wasn't really in a steady relationship with him. I was aiming for one, but we'd only just begun. Plus my ability to put myself in his shoes makes me feel guilty because, hey, MAJOR life change for him. Not easy. His life was already complicated as it was. He has a right to figure out his own life and do whatever he pleases with it. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm angry, and sad, and hurt. Angry at him, for doing this to me. Angry at myself, for letting myself be this fucking vulnerable, and irrational about something apparently so small. All this feeling and thinking is giving me a headache and stomach pain, and I just really want it to stop.

The thing is, I know that I was just another woman for him. It could have developed into more, but it didn't. No big deal, right? Wrong. Because he wasn't just another guy for *me*. He was the first guy I actually liked, and saw potential, and didn't run away screaming from (which I had done in a previous relationship, almost literally. I had a claustrophobic meltdown - complete with shortness of breath and everything - the first time I slept over at my ex's house, and in 3 weeks ran from that relationship). This was the first time I actually opened myself up to the possibility of another serious relationship after my divorce. Taking it slow, but letting myself start to like someone. So having this bucket of ice cold water poured over my head? Not. Nice. At. All.

I feel myself closing up again, which is something I worked so damn hard to get away from in the first place. I want to be in a relationship sooooo badly right now, but I just don't see it happening. I don't see myself trusting someone else, and just leaning on someone else. It's stupid, but I'm feeling hopeless and *old* and scared of becoming a spinster and everybody's aunt, and never somebody's mom and somebody's wife. And it's all just too much reaction after one small breakup, but I can't help it.

I might go back to therapy. Or I might just have myself a good cry. And watch Titanic again. And maybe drink some wine. Or tequila. Whatever helps.

PS: No worries, no alcoholic tendencies here. I just want a little numbness for a while. There are other ways of achieving it, but I'm thinking wine is the least hazardous...

ETA: Plus, he broke up with me over MSN Messenger. I think that gives me a right to be extremely pissed. So there.